I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
