I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
