I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
