I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
