all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
