there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
