You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
