You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
