Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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