Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
