Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
