So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
