theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
