When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
