Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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