i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need water and some morals
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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