Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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