good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I need a burrito and a hug.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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