Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's the barista slut.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
