Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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