i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
