At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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