i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
