My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
