Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
