When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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