Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
