Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
