I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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