No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
