I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
