today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
