I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We're facebook friends in real life
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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