He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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