I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
