You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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