When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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