Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
