Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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