I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like a drive thru vagina
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
