if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
A+ Viking dick
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
