WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
