i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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