Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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