You made me cry and you don't even care
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize