If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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