and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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