So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
