I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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