Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
