Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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