You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
