I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
