Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
