someone owes me an orgasm
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
