i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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