I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
