i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
