i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
