Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
50% drunk capacity currently
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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