my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Randomize
