Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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