it was like his penis was on wheels.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
