Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
