So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
