i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
