they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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