Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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