I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
