i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
