I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
