Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
