I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
