but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
