If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
