i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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