Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
